Double Standards

Don’t you just hate it when you feel a double standard coming your way? Well here is a story with a twist.

One Saturday morning, while my wife worked on the edits for her recently released book, I decided to load up the three little kids and go to the coffee shop. Now this is not a unique thing for me. I have ventured on more than one occasion to do the weekly shopping with all three in tow. As any mom or dad would say, three kids that young in the grocery store is an adventure saga in itself and should be approached with trepidation. But the coffee shop? It was the perfect, low stress outing.

Around Bozeman, you actually see a healthy number of dads that are really engaged with their kids. So, seeing the dads “solo” with the little ones shouldn’t come as a surprise.

Except, apparently, the day I arrived with all at the coffee shop. I had just finished ordering the drinks for the kids and securing a place in the least disruptive spot to avoid upsetting customers that may be taking their AM Saturday stroll to read the paper and unwind for the weekend. Everyday is a weekend for kids and some adults don’t always appreciate kid levels of energy and enthusiasm around them at 9:00 AM.

It was crowded so we ended up sitting down next to an older lady (maybe in her late 70’s or early 80’s). I sat playing with the kids and reading from the heavily loved books. I noticed that she kept looking over at me. She had a big smile but a perplexed look in her face. I could tell that she just wanted to say something but was holding it back.

Another 5 minutes passed and I could see she was about ready to explode if she couldn’t ask me a question….and then it came.

“Honey, where is your wife?”

“Excuse me?” I answered as politely as possible since she really did look sweet and truly perplexed.

“Where is your wife? You are here with kids and you have no wife?”

I was so taken aback by the comment I really didn’t know what to say. Where do I start…

1) Should I be upset that she thinks I can’t take care of three little kids?
2) Should I be upset that even if she did see I was taking great care of them, that it was assumed that only a woman should be out on a Saturday doing something with children (and as a man I wasn’t playing baseball with them)?
3) Did she wonder if my spouse left me, divorced me, passed away? I have no idea.

If fact, I think all of these things were going through her head and probably more.

I just smiled at her and in my matter-of-fact way, let her know that I was out with the kids having fun while my wife worked on finishing a book she was writing.

The lady just stared at me for a moment, smiled and said, “well isn’t that nice.”

I couldn’t tell if she was saying it with sarcasm like “why is my wife working on something other than taking care of the kids” or “wow, that is really cool you are doing this.”

I really don’t know what to make of the situation other than it really hit home just how much in the world stays the same and changes all at once. Fifty years ago you probably wouldn’t have seen a guy out with his three kids all by himself unless it was some special reason. And even if I think the situation was perfectly normal, the fact of the matter is…she represents the attitudes and assumptions that are still prevalent in our culture today.

The double standard cuts both ways and it isn’t fun when you feel you are on the short end of the stick.